I remember when I was young. As a silly and young high school girl I had my future all planned out. I knew that one day I would be married and no matter how many times my career choice changed over the years my resolve to have a house full of kids never wavered. The time came to make that dream come true, but things did not work out as I planned. I spent years crying into my pillow each month when I did not conceive. I begged God to make me a mother. Sure I put on a happy face for all to see. Attending baby showers buying gifts all the while making note of what I wanted for my little peanut. Little by little I was dying inside. I questioned myself, my ability to be a mother. I questioned why God would allow an innocent child to be born to parent that abused him or her, and meanwhile I was childless!! After many procedures, filling my body with hormones that may me an emotional mess I finally gave up. I accepted the fact that I would never have anyone call me mom.
Then I did become a mother. Not through the means most parents do but through adoption. The Lord does work in mysterious ways. The adoption is open, as the biological mother is a family member. My daughter has been in our home since she was four weeks old. My husband and I waited a few years to pursue the adoption and during that time we fed her, bathed her, clothed her, and most importantly we loved her. The happiest day of my life was when the judged signed the paperwork and I was officially and legally her mother! We have always been her champions cheering as she crawled, took her first steps, ran, and played her first organized sport. There is nothing that could possibly compare to being a mom. I mean yes it has its struggles… Working, school, and all the activities certainly cause stress but it is so worth it when she looks at me and I see and feel that she loves me as much as I love her. When I hug her I feel complete. It is as if she was the piece of my life that I was missing all along.
In spite of all of my joy I also harbor a feeling of sadness that is there lingering below the surface. I am her mother, I have the birth certificate with our names on it, but its a piece of paper. When I see bio-mom and my daughter together it is sometimes more than I can bare. They have the same color hair (and both have naturally curly hair), and the same sprinkling of freckles. Seeing this brings to my mind how she carried my little one for nine months. She felt her kick and grow inside her and was there watching her come into this world. That is something that I will never have. You know what it really hurts!!! Oprah once said “Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother”. I agree it is not all there is, but what a gift and honor it is to bring a child into this world!! While I am thankful that God finally granted me all that I have ever wanted and dreamed of, I still worry about the future. Especially those teenage years where as parents we will no nothing right. I worry that one day she will look at me and angrily say “you are not my mother”!! You know what though, I will be able to look at her and say I have loved you since the day I first held you!! I have never given up on you, and I have always been here for you. I have held you and comforted you each time you were sick, I have watched you grow with pride in my heart. I have attended countless functions such as dance, soccer, and plays and I was always the loudest one in the crowd! I would die for you, I will never give you up and that is the truth. I AM AND I WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR MOTHER!!!!!